Hmmmm...so, unfortunately, I started on this whole blogging thing a bit late as I've already been living in Thailand for about a year. I suppose then that I should start by bringing you all up to speed...

I graduated from the University of Richmond in VA, USA about a year ago, and decided that I wanted move somewhere completely different. I found a program online that offered a TEFL certification and a guarenteed four-month contract at a government school in Thailand- all for only $500! I took the plunge, and ended up getting placed in a school in a small town (by small town, I mean, it has a 7/11- a big plus) in the Northeast region of Thailand. This is how it went...

Sharon and I left for Kaeng Khro at about 9:30 on aSunday morning. After speaking to four different Thai people and showing them where Kaeng Kro was on a Thai map (clearly, my Thai pronuniciation is deficient), we finally got ourselves onto the 11am bus. The ride was supposed to be a 6 hour ride, however, when we called our Thai consultant she said that we should arrive at about 6:30pm. Well, we ended up breaking down on the side of the road for about an hour and a half and had to catch a new bus. Thus, we figured that we would be in Kaeng Kro at about 8pm- we also thought that Kaeng Kro was the last/only bus stop. It was not. And they didn't announce the places in which they stopped. Eventually, the bus came to its third halt at around 8pm. Thinking that this was our stop, we stood up to get off the bus- luckily, I decided to check and make sure that this was indeed our stop only to find out that we missed it and were about an hour and a half from Kaeng Kro. They put us on to another bus (fortunately, we had the people at bus station write "Kaeng Kro" in Thai for us). Using my fabulous lonely planet phrase book (and Jeab - our consultant- on my cell phone), we asked the bus attendents to tell us when we got there. Finally, we end up in Kaeng Kro...in the middle of a large empty parking lot...with about 6 Thai boys and the smallest 1-seater tuk-tuk ever. I forgot to mention that our Thai teacher was supposed to meet us at the bus stop to take us to our home, but by this time it was too late, and she told us to go to the only hotel in the town. Well, we couldn't pronounce the name of the hotel, so I just end up saying "hotel" in Thai ("rohng raam") and Sharon, I, my three bags, and Sharon's two backpacks (oh, and a HUGE cockroach) ALL pile onto this small tuk-tuk and head to the hotel. It was quite a sight, and the Thai boys were peeing their pants laughing at us, haha. Though Sharon and I were originally amused at the thought of the hotel (it's not necessarily a town that one would think has many tourists), it actually turned out to be quite nice! AC, hot water, the works!!

We were told that our Thai teacher would meet us at the hotel in the morning- though our consultants were unsure as to the time. We figured that 9am sounded appropriate, so we set our alarms for 8am. Let's just say that it was not my alarm that woke me the next morning. No, I awoke to someone banging on my door- my THAI TEACHER!!! We were so EMBARRASSED!!! I didn't even know who she was, or what was happening because I was still half asleep. Apparently, Thais get up extremely early (the market starts at 5am and is over by 8am)...

Anyways, she picks us up at 11:30, and we drop off our stuff in our new accommodation. Well, we were slightly shocked. We had been told that we had a three-bedroom house, two rooms with AC, and a western toilet. They moved us. There was none of that, and a few shockers- we only had a squat, two showers that hardly worked, no sink (the drain wasn't connected to a pipe), tin roofs over the bathroom and kitchen (a room with two gas burners, two fridges, and a plethora of bugs and maggets growing from the leftover garlic and onion sitting on the cutting board). The whole house was teak so there were gaps in the wall boards, and the walls and our floors were all slanted and distorted. The place was dusty and full of large spiders. At night the cockroaches came out in our kitchen. We also couldn't use the bathroom at night because the light attracted Kaeng Kro's entire mosquito population- we would have been consumed alive. My screen was broken, and there were many mosquitos in the house- they came in through the whole in our door where the door knob should have been (the only lock we had was a small pad lock). I couldn't hang a mosquito net though because my fan was directly over my bed, and since my screen was broken and I had to keep the windows shut, I had to use the fan. The light shown into my room THROUGH THE WALLS in the morning because of the gaps in the wall boards, the crack in the shutters, and the gaps between the floor and the wall.

Sharon and I were a little upset by all of this (ok, very upset), and immediately called Jeab. Fortunately, after another night in the hotel, and a talk with our Thai teacher, we ended up sorting everything out. We ended up living in small apartments next door to the director of the school. A few students lived in the complex as well. The apartments were basically a bedroom, with a fan, a bathroom and a small porch.

Now, reflecting back on all of this, I realize that I could easily live in that old house- especially after some of the hostels that I've stayed in...my favorite had a wide selection of wooden animal statues, pictures of Pamela Anderson and 70 year old fire extinguishers scattered about the hallways as well as a lovely wooden phallus collection and a "No Child Sex Tourism" sign hanging in the lobby. Oh, and one time (yes, I've stayed there multiple times) our room even had a peephole!

As strange as this "hotel" or hostel was, my life in Thailand has been a constant string of hilariously bizzare events...

One day Sharon and I had a conversation with our
Thai teachers that went something like this:

Thai Teacher #1: We are having a party in two weeks!! The social
studies teacher saw you both dancing on stage last week (ie...English
One Minute- we did the HOKEY POKEY), and he would like to teach you a
dance to perform at the party. Can he teach you the dance?

Me (foolishly believing that it would be a cultural experience): Sure!
So, it's a Thai dance, right?

Thai Teacher #2: Oh, well not really.

Me: Well, what sort of dance is it?

Thai Teacher #1: It's a sensual dance.

Me and Sharon: Excuse me?

Thai Teacher #2: A sexy dance.

Thai Teacher #1: Yes, a sexy dance. You will wear pants and a small, short top.

Me: Ummm...what song is the dance to?

Thai Teacher #2: Well, last year, the teachers danced to "My Humps"?

After the initial conversation, nothing more was said about the "performance" We thought we were in the clear-everyone seemed to have forgotten. Until the night before the party when Sharon and I were informed that the ladyboy teacher (yes, a ladyboy- aka transvestite) would teaching Sharon, 2 other Filipina teachers- Lyn and Tess- and I a "sexual dance" that night.

Our dancing debut was, if you can believe it, even more ridiculous than we could have fathomed. We met up with our catoy (aka. ladyboy) when we learned that we were dancing to "a Thai pop song of which the only words I understood were "my darling" (I believe that the words "doom doom" were also involved, but I'm not sure if that was actually what they were saying). The catoy had not yet made up the dance, so he kept us there for TWO HOURS and choreographed it as we went along. Let's just say that there were a lot of hip rolls and a lot of booty-shaking. After being reprimanded for not having white or black pants for our costumes, Sharon and I we were eventually allowed to leave and eat dinner (he refused to let us leave until the routine was finished).

The next day, the catoy took us to lunch during our free period, and after, we were forced to practice the routine in his office during which five or six of my male students watched through the tinted windows. They laughed. I wanted to die. Immediately after school we were driven to the beauty salon and given our "costumes." At first, my costume consisted of white cargo pants and a lavender corset that was too large. Upon realizing that the corsets would not fit the other members of our quintet (Sharon, I, two other Filipinas, and the catoy), we revamped the costumes- pants, thin strap tank-tops, and what can only be described as flourescent pink, floral drapery that acted as a poncho. They were hott costumes, let me tell ya. The catoy, however, decided that since he was in the center during the routine he should wear something different- white pants, a white and lavender floral corset, a flower necklace, chandelier earrings, and a fake ponytail.

We then proceeded to have our makeup done- by another catoy. I have never worn so much makeup in my life. When I tell you that Sharon and I both looked like drag queens (and ugly drag queens), I am not lying. Finally, after everyone had their makeup done and after Sharon had a chunk of fake hair (which was removed from a cabinet swarming with flies) pinned to her head, we made our way to the party. Unfortunately, we had not had enough to drink at this point and were thus, thoroughly embarrassed to enter the gymnasium where about 100 teachers and some of their children sat. Luckily, we were handed a few Spys, and then the cameras began to come from every direction. We took pictures with every male teacher in the school, and was told by the drunken assistant director that he loved us (but to be fair, he also told that to the catoy). Then we went on stage and made complete idiots of ourselves. At least we were given roses. After the performance (by the way, we were the only form of entertainment for the party), we took some more pictures (Sharon has a great one with a strange little man with a terrible comb-over- he buried his head in her neck...very sexy), and escaped and tried to wash up. Sadly, after five or six washes, many eye makeup remover pads, and a role of toilet paper, I STILL awoke with a ring of makeup encircling my face...

Though dancing on stage in front of your fellow coworkers was wonderful, it is not quite as exciting as giving a speech about Thai weddings at a Thai wedding in which you do not know either the bride or groom...

One of our Thai teachers informed us that we were invited to the reception, and that he was to take us. He also told us to wear jeans. Now, who wears jeans to a WEDDING!? Well, apparently people in the country do...Sharon and I didn't heed his advice, however, and showed up overdressed in skirts and T-shirts. Upon our arrival, we were ushered into the tiny home where we were kissed by old Thai women that we didn't know and told to stand behind the bride and groom, next to the wife's mother and grandmother for the wedding photos. After many pictures, we were taken outside where we were served lunch BEFORE the bride and groom. Needless to say, the groom wasn't too fond of us. He was this old Australian guy who literally looked like he might kick the bucket that day. I think that he was confused as to why these two random white women and a Filipina were invited to his wedding and then served lunch before him.

After lunch, we were led to the field where a large stage was set up. We were then asked to stand on stage with the bride, groom, and the bride's mother and grandmother, and give speeches on what we thought about Thai weddings. Fortunately, though we didn't have to sing "My Heart Will Go On" from Titanic...the bride asked us too, but we didn't know the words, and the karaoke machine wasn't working. After our speeches we sat in the shade drinking Spys (winecoolers), until this little old woman came up to us and dragged us to the dance floor uttering the only English words she knew: "same, same." She was like a cute, little, old broken record...she just kept saying it over and over again while she passed around my Spy and gave me prawn chips.

It was defintely a great experience- one that I will surely treasure forever!

These are just a few of the stories that I have from my four months in Isaan. My life consistantly became more entertaining as various people entered it (for example, my student stalker) and the experiences got wilder and wilder. Ultimately, my time there led to my decision to stay longer...and the story continues (but on another day).