I am married to a Scottish man, and the first time I met his family I did a lot of vacant smiling and nodding as the barrage of distorted vowel sounds and Scots Gaelic words came at me with unrelenting opacity as to their meaning. I thought I'd put a little guide here to some basic words and sounds, so you can enter the beautiful and charming country of Scotland without worrying about understanding what is supposedly the same language you speak.

*LOCH*
This is the most obvious one, right? It means body of water, and refers to sea inlets and lakes. There are three actual "lakes" in Scotland, and they refer to man-made lakes. Loch Ness is of course the most famous of the Scottish Lochs. It is very pretty and very long, virtually separating the top half of Scotland from the bottom. If you are in the Edinburgh/Glasgow area, there is a beautiful loch about 30 minutes north of Glasgow called Loch Lomond. This loch has a lot of trails and wee towns all around it, making it a great day trip if you not going further into the country.

*BEN*
Ben means mount or mountain. The highest mountain on the British Isles is in Scotland--Ben Nevis near Ft. Williams. You can hike it on Scotland's famous 100-mile hiking trail, the West Highland Way.

*KEN*
Ken means to know or understand. My husband's name is Kenny so I found this very confusing for quite some time. Instead of "Do you know what I mean," you'll hear a lot of "Do ya ken?"

*WEE*
This does not (always) mean "small." It's just an affectionate diminuitive for everything. Adorable children are "wee petals;" you drink a "wee pint" at the pub, smokers take a "wee break." There is a subtly and nuance to this--not for the amateur.

*GONNAE/DONNAE NOT!*
Please refrain from what you are currently doing, as it is irritating me.

*BOUFFIN' / MINGIN' / MANKY*
The Scottish have a lot of colorful adjectives for "smelly." Hmmm.

*PURE*
This is an adverb, meaning very. If something is "pure amazing!" then it is more than just regular amazing. It is *very* amazing. A high compliment is "Tha's pure dead brilliant, tha eez!"

*HOACHIN'*
Crowded.

*BALTIC*
Really cold / Bloody freezing

*BAM or BAMPOT / NED*
Stupid person.

*OCH AYE*
Common exclamation, uttered to fill gaps in conversation or to express "well, what can you do?"

*TEA*
Dinner. and just tea. But the evening meal is also referred to as "tea."

*CHIP BUTTIE*
Well, we all know we can get a lovely fish supper at a chippie in the UK, but did you know that many people like to butter the role that comes with the fish and chips, stuff it with chips, and then eat this carbohydrated delight like a sandwich? The first time I saw this I was horrified, but I did eventually try it. If you like heart attacks, you'll love a chip buttie!

I hope this vocabulary lesson has been helpful. The only other thing you need to remember is that most vowels become "ee" and "oo," and I'm sure you'll have no problem getting around. The Scottish accent, as my husband delights in telling me often, is considered the most trust-worthy sounding in the world (where he got this statistic, I don't know, but he assures me it's true). Don't concentrate too hard and you'll start to get it--it's a lovely accent spoken by fiercely proud and highly entertaining people.

Just remember not to ask a Scottish person you meet if they play bagpipes or what they wear under their kilts. Trust me, they've heard it before, and it wasn't funny the first time. To get in good, mention how you know that everything was invented by the Scottish, and that the country should be independent from England. You'll have yourself a friend for life!

Do you ken?